The anatomy of an offense

As so often happens in life, an offense occurred shortly after I wrote my last post. Since I didn't do it at the time, I thought I would take the time now to examine the "anatomy" of that offense by using the questions I talked about in my previous post.

First, here's a description of the offense. I had made a comment to Michel about something or asked him to do something for me. (As so often happens in an offense, the reason it comes about is forgotten!) He said the following to me (as a joke, I found out later): "My name is Vicky. I love to complain." What a reaction those few words caused inside of me! I was angry at Michel for criticizing me because I wasn't complaining at all!

Now, I want to examine this offense through the lens of the questions I posed.

Question #1. What rule/belief did the person violate?
I was not aware I had a rule about complaining, although I am pretty sure that I have had the belief that compaining is BAD for a very long time! I'm sure it is a generational belief--passed from parent to child for all of eternity. I would guess that most people look at complaining as something we should endeavor NOT to do. So what rule did the person violate? Complaining is a bad thing that is not acceptable as part of my personality.

2. For what reason do I have that rule/belief?
As mentioned above, I have that rule/belief because it was passed on to me as a cultural norm or as a proper standard of behavior. Because I am now looking at this belief, I can decide if that rule/belief is one that I want in my life.

3. How important is that rule/belief to me now?
Based on my reaction, this rule/belief was important to me. Now, I'm not so sure. I need to examine this rule/belief more carefully. What exactly is complaining? When is it acceptable to complain? What makes complaining wrong or right? Without looking at these types of questions, I can't determine if this rule/belief is one that is necessary or helpful in my life. Ultimately, this rule/belief creates a judgment situation--either I'm good or bad--which eliminates the possibility of my accepting myself exactly as I am in a given moment and of accepting the situation as it plays out.

4. What particular significance or meaning have I assigned to the person's response?
Ah, the crux of the matter! When Michel said these words to me, I thought he was judging or criticizing me and saying I wasn't a good, nice, wonderful, _________________ (fill in the blank with a positive adjective) person. Isn't it interesting that I assigned my own judgment about complaining to the words that Michel said? There is no way I could know why Michel said what he did without asking him. But as soon as his words were spoken, I immediately felt like he was saying I was bad, bad, bad!

5. How do I know if that significance or meaning is true?
As indicated in the previous answer, I could not know if the significance I gave his words was true WITHOUT ASKING. And to go one step further...even if the significance were true, I get to choose whether I accept his opinion or judgment.

6. What is my choice right now--to be offended or to follow after peace?
By examining the offense, I can actually choose to follow after peace instead of wallowing in the hurt feelings I experienced because of the "supposed" offense. As a result of doing this exercise, I discovered that Michel didn't offend me at all. The offense came in my own mind from my own judgment. All he did was say some words! Isn't that amazing?

Take care in gratitude, Vicky :o)