Blue Heron Visions: Chapter 23: Finding Forgiveness

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction. The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

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Chapter 23: Finding Forgiveness

March had finally arrived. Elizabeth felt a spark of hope as she awoke even though the day was cold and snowy yet again. The month of March meant that spring was on its way after what had seemed like an eternally long period of time without bright light, warmth, and vivid colors. But that was going to change in just a few short weeks, an optimistic point of view Elizabeth knew, since spring would arrive on the calendar before it arrived in the reality of her daily life.

The promise of spring's arrival made Elizabeth jump out of bed with more enthusiasm than she had had for several months. She quickly ate breakfast, washed up the dishes, made and posted a mandala, and wrote her morning pages. She felt that she was already experiencing the new energy that spring brought each year. She smiled, feeling like the day was going to be a great one. “Perhaps there is a piece of magic to be found today,” she thought.

Elizabeth decided to spend some time reading her email. She noticed again that one of her friends had still not written to her. She had sent several emails and when her friend did respond, it was with one or two sentences. Elizabeth felt that she had done something to annoy her friend but she wasn't sure what. Just last week, she had written again to her friend, asking her directly what she had done. But she still had not received a response.

This type of situation had happened repeatedly. Most of her friends and her family, too, only wrote to her when she wrote first. And, as was the case with this friend, they didn't respond even then. She wasn't sure why and it was a source of great irritation, anger, and self-deprecation since she felt there must be something wrong with her that resulted in her friends' and family's non-response.

Vincent had tried to help her deal with the situation by telling her that she didn't need to concern herself with people not writing, although Elizabeth had to laugh at his displeasure when one of his good friends hadn't written back to him. One would think that when Elizabeth saw that others had experienced the same situation, she would cease to take it so personally. But she had a hard time believing that when people didn't respond that it wasn't personal even if she knew there were many possible reasons why. Despite the reasons, she still felt this behavior bordered on rudeness and she found it unacceptable.

As Elizabeth thought about her pronouncement, she noticed how judgmental she was being. She knew that as long as she held onto her judgment and failed to forgive the people for their apparent lack of concern for her, she was going to feel out of sorts and irritated with the people and eventually with herself.

As she continued to think about how she was feeling, she noticed that her enthusiasm for the day was quickly diminishing. She detested when she had trouble finding forgiveness for others because she always turned the lack of forgiveness and the irritated, angry, and hurt feelings she had towards others onto herself. No matter how often she would blame someone else for what they had done to her, the blame never stayed on the other people. Her thoughts always found a way to include her in the blaming process.

Elizabeth understood the importance of forgiveness and why it was essential to forgive others. She had learned much about the subject when she was attending a born-again Christian church. In those days, she had been taught that granting forgiveness was the way to receive forgiveness from God. She had also been instructed that an emotional response was not necessary when one forgave another person, that the action was more of a conscious decision. Finally, she had discovered in her church's teachings that forgiveness was often more beneficial for the person forgiving than the person receiving the forgiveness. The reason being that when a person believes that an offense has been committed, that person is the one who carries the suffering and the pain of the perceived offense internally. That pain and suffering often grows and festers until the person experiences the release of forgiving the perceived offender. So many times the offending person doesn't even know that a wrong or a misstep had been committed!

Several years ago, Vincent had introduced Elizabeth to another concept of forgiveness that she had never really understood until just recently. Whenever they had had a disagreement that she felt she had instigated, she would ask Vincent for his forgiveness. He would always say that there was nothing to forgive. At first, she didn't understand how he could say that because she certainly knew when she had been rude or mean or short-tempered. But Vincent's idea, one that stemmed from A Course in Miracles, was that there had been no offense because whatever she had done was an illusion and not real because it was based on her seeing herself as separate and not in unity with All That Is. Who she really was was loving and kind and good. Vincent believed her actions stemmed from the fact that she had forgotten who she really was and had acted from the illusion of who she thought she was—a separate entity who was calling out for love.

Even though Elizabeth understood forgiveness on a mental level, she still had trouble letting go of her feelings of hurt, self-pity, and rejection when people did not respond to her. For her, non-response meant that she was being ignored and ultimately invisible. She hated the feeling of invisibility. She hated feeling like she was not important enough for a person to respond to her.

As she considered her feelings, her thoughts went to the ideas that Stacy shared with her about there not being anyone else in our world except ourselves—the world as a mirror reflection. Once, when Elizabeth had shared a situation in which the person did not respond and eventually broke off a friendship, she remembered Stacy asking her, "What do you fear so much inside? What part of yourself don't you want to communicate with? Where are you cutting the ties of communication or not responding to yourself?” She hadn't really considered those questions for a while and wondered why she had avoided looking for answers. Her thoughts stopped for a moment.

Elizabeth had made an effort to look at the non-response situation in a different way. She would tell herself that having these people in her life wasn't necessary at the moment or they would be interacting with her. She saw this idea as a kind of accepting of what is. Although it wasn't forgiveness, the concept sometimes helped with the emotional imbalance she felt at times. The reality was, though, she wasn't accepting what is if she continued to entertain and process the thoughts every time the situation repeated itself with the same or another person.

Her mind went back to Stacy's questions. Usually when she thought about using the concept of the mirror reflection, Elizabeth would think about how and in what ways she was not communicating with others. Stacy's questions focused the attention all on Elizabeth and her relationship with herself. That made answering the questions more difficult for her. The questions required her to really look at what parts of herself and her inner life she was avoiding.

One area in which Elizabeth avoided communication was by not having a daily spiritual practice where she actually took time to sit quietly and listen. While Elizabeth had often received guidance through the subject lines of emails or different writings she read or even in songs she heard as she went about her days, she seldom just sat quietly to listen for guidance. She almost never asked a question and waited for an answer. And she could see that by not finding the space and time for that activity, she was keeping herself from responding to her Higher Self and God/Source/All That Is. Now that was a revelation!

This simple exercise of using the mirror had shown Elizabeth another point of view. She could see that she should be grateful to the people who didn't write to her because they were helping her see herself more clearly. So perhaps Vincent's idea was correct. These people didn't need her forgiveness since they were just reflecting her own actions. How could she blame them for their behavior? She didn't blame the mirror when she noticed something about her reflection that she didn't like. (Well, she, her daughters, and most women would agree that there are friendly mirrors—those that are slimming—and unfriendly mirrors—those that aren't!)

"So does that mean I only need to forgive myself?" Elizabeth wondered. She would have to think about that idea for a while. She already knew that she was extremely hard on herself no matter how well she did something. Her friends, family, and Vincent had pointed that out to her on numerous occasions. She knew that her self-judgment certainly resulted in her harsh opinions and judgments about others. “What do I need to forgive myself for?” she thought. As she pondered the question, Elizabeth hit upon a possible answer. Perhaps she needed to forgive herself for thinking she was separate from All That Is. Similar to Vincent's way of thinking, she could see that she simply had forgotten who she really was and was acting out based on an illusion of separation. She knew that Stacy had also mentioned that when we blame others, we are thinking of ourselves as separate, so perhaps that was the only issue for which she needed to seek forgiveness.

Elizabeth decided that she would need to consider that answer for a while. But she noticed that she had found a degree of peace in her heart regarding the non-responsive people in her life. She thought now was as good a moment as any to take some time to sit quietly with focused attention and just listen. She pushed away from her computer. She felt a wave of gratitude sweep through her as she realized that she had once again experienced a piece of magic. She walked into the living room to begin what she hoped would become a daily practice.