Blue Heron Visions: Chapter 19: Perfecting Perfection (Part 1)

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction. The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

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Chapter 19: Perfecting Perfection (Part 1)

February's arrival awakened Elizabeth with a bright, sunny, although frigidly cold, day. It was what Elizabeth called a happy day because the sky was blue and the sun was shining. Despite the freezing temperature and all the layers she would have to wear, she looked forward to going outside to absorb the sunshine that came rarely during the long winters here in Vincent's country.

As Elizabeth made her daily preparations, her thoughts drifted back to her art and writing. One of the challenges she faced in both was her need for absolute perfection. She could become equally obsessive about a misplaced collage element or the precise word needed to describe a situation or feeling. Until that perfection was attained, and especially if it wasn't, she would agonize and stew, making every attempt to come up with the ideal solution to the challenge. While Elizabeth was journeying through one of these perfection passages, Vincent would sigh and shake his head. He had tried so many times to get her to let go of this need for absolute perfection, telling her that the imperfections brought charm and individuality to handcrafted items. Regarding her writing, he allowed her more latitude because English was her first language, not his; but he still encouraged her to let go and let her voice shine through her word choices. Her response always was the same: "Who would want to buy something (or read something) that has obvious flaws and imperfections?" (Of course, these “obvious” imperfections were most obvious to Elizabeth's eyes and judgment. Often, she was the one who would point them out to Vincent.)

Searching for perfection had been a lifetime activity starting when Elizabeth was young. One of the defining moments that set her on that path happened in school during second grade. Robin, a girl in her class, insisted on making fun of Elizabeth—how she looked, what clothes she wore, even her name by always calling her "Looney Lizzie" or "Itsy Bitsy Bethie.” (Elizabeth was not tiny at all; she was the tallest in her class!) One day, Elizabeth had had enough and punched the girl in either the stomach or chest (she couldn't remember which one). Her action earned her a visit to Mr. Aiken, the grammar school principal.

Elizabeth can remember sitting in Mr. Aiken's office, feeling very small and vulnerable in front of the principal's immense desk. She had tried to explain how this other girl was always making fun of her and her name. Mr. Aiken told her that people had made fun of his name, too, but he didn't punch them or fight with them about it. Seven-year-old Elizabeth didn't really understand how or why people would make fun of his name, especially since he was an adult. She felt unheard and chastised. She knew that she never ever wanted to go to the principle's office again. And she never did.

Elizabeth continued to struggle with her peers' and friends' critiques and unrelentless teasing throughout her school years. On numerous occasions, she had sought help from her mother, who had told her to ignore the comments and to remember that words can't really hurt a person. (“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.”) But nothing her mother said really helped. Instead, Elizabeth became an expert in stuffing the feelings she had about the incidents and trying to pretend that the comments didn't bother her. But somehow the perpetrators always knew the truth. Their words bothered her—a lot!

The problem was that Elizabeth believed everyone else's assessment of her. She didn't come from a place of feeling worthy and worthwhile, not even at home. So at some point, she decided to be the model child. If she could behave perfectly and never challenge authority, maybe she could escape the harsh criticisms of others. Unfortunately, her strategy didn't work at home because she still managed to irritate her parents by not keeping her room neat, by not being respectful, or by fighting with her sister.

In contrast, her strategy worked well at school with the teachers. She received attention and excellent grades for her dedication to her school work. But the commendations she received from teachers actually created more problems with her peers at times because Elizabeth was proud of her success. Her peers who did not perform as well did not appreciate her showing her pride. In fact, her fifth grade teacher, Mr. Jacobs, reprimanded her for showing an excellent test score she had received (the highest in the class) to another student who had not done as well. Mr. Jacobs spoke to her because he felt that she had behaved inappropriately and that she was hurting the other students' feelings. To preserve her standing with Mr. Jacobs and to ensure that she would still be receiving the reward of attention from her teachers, she had agreed to stop “showing off” her grades to her fellow students.

Looking back, the irony of the situation with Mr. Jacobs was not lost on Elizabeth. She had finally found something that made her feel worthy, and she was not allowed to reveal the proof of that worthiness to the very people who loved to criticize and make fun of her. How unfair was that?

Sensitivity to the opinions of others continued throughout Elizabeth' s life. She could recall various situations at work, church, in small groups, with friends, acquaintances, and even with strangers. She had tried everything to stop the supposed "good-natured" ribbing and critical barbs that came her way. She embraced her quest to be the perfect student, friend, stranger, employee, co-worker, and citizen. She learned to encourage others and to make them feel good about themselves, hoping that she would receive the same treatment in return. She would often make fun of herself or denigrate herself so that she could prevent others from doing it or to diminish the sting if the negative words came. But if Elizabeth was being completely honest with herself, she knew that none of these strategies really worked because they did not get to the core of the matter: Elizabeth's own feelings about herself.

Elizabeth had always sought the approval of others to find her worthiness. The problem with that habit was the minute someone didn't approve of her, she came face to face with her unworthy feelings yet again. Elizabeth knew she could not control the opinions of others. No matter how hard she tried to be all things to all people, there was always at least one person, and usually more, that either didn't approve of her or, for some other reason, didn't supply the approval she thought she needed.

Vincent fell into the latter group. Elizabeth constantly wanted Vincent to tell her how beautiful she was, how accomplished she was, how great her art was, how amazing her writing and poetry were. The list was endless. What Vincent had always maintained throughout their years together was that Elizabeth was a magnificent being, perfect and whole. That was who she was, period, without all of the trappings of accomplishments, cultural standards, belief systems, and family conditioning. Elizabeth, like everyone, was a magnificent being. How could you perfect perfection?

Come back Thursday to read Part 2 of “Perfecting Perfection.”