Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 2)

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction.  The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

Read Chapter 1       Previous Chapter       Next Chapter

Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 2)

Elizabeth could not remember a time when she wasn't seeking someone else's approval, including friends, family, teachers, just about anyone that crossed her path. One of her earliest memories happened when she was four or five years old. She was visiting her grandparents during the summer. Elizabeth would sometimes play with a girl who lived across the street. Patty was three or four years older than Elizabeth and would tempt and prod Elizabeth to do things that she wasn't supposed to do. Patty would say that she wouldn't be Elizabeth's friend if she didn't go to the wood shed with her or cross the street alone. Elizabeth really wanted Patty to like her and pay attention to her, so she would succumb to the temptation. Of course, being Elizabeth, she usually got caught.

Looking back, Elizabeth wondered why she didn't have the strength in her young self to decide what she wanted to do and to refuse to be bullied or cajoled by the promise of friendship. Elizabeth had wanted Patty's friendship so much she couldn't see that Patty was fickle and her friendship was based on a whim that changed on any given day. Of course, that made complete sense. Why would an eight- or nine-year-old want to be forced to play with a four- or five-year-old?

Elizabeth realized that she had spent more than half her life seeking the approval of others. She excelled in school because one of her teachers had decided not to promote her to the accelerated class with many of her friends. Mrs. Struthers, the fourth-grade teacher, had not approved of Elizabeth's inquisitive personal questions (obviously the tactfulness hadn't taken hold yet), which Elizabeth believed was the reason for the teacher assigning her to the "normal" fifth-grade class. During that fifth-grade year, Elizabeth went from being a good student to being an excellent student, who pushed herself to be the best in her class. She showed them (whoever “them” was), and the next year she was promoted into the accelerated class where she won the approval of all the fifth- and sixth-grade teachers. (Of course, she didn't get the approval of Mrs. Struthers, but at least she got the attention and approval she so wanted from all the other teachers!) And she continued to win the approval of almost all of her teachers throughout her years in school. 

Winning the attention and approval of friends and family, though, was a different story. Elizabeth worked hard to make people like her and at times she succeeded. But as she grew older, she realized that trying to adjust yourself to make yourself likeable usually backfired. Eventually, there would be a conflict between what the other person expected of her and the degree to which Elizabeth could abandon her loyalty to herself and her feelings. At some point, she would get offended because the person didn't appreciate her in the way she wanted and she would feel betrayed. In time, she learned that the only betrayal occurring was self-betrayal. But even that realization didn't stop her search for adulation and appreciation, which always resulted in the repeated cycle of her friendships: delight, disillusionment, disappointment, and distancing from or dissolution of the friendship.

Elizabeth saw this pattern in other relationships, too. She saw it in relation to the way she viewed her art and her writing. She would give away her time, her art, and her skills without charge, expecting that the expected approval and appreciation would be all the payment she would need. Then, she would be upset when the compliments or gratitude she received did not satisfy her expectations, and she would grumble and complain to Vincent, feeling mistreated because she didn't get paid for her efforts.

Because of her fear of conflict, Elizabeth would rarely discuss her feelings about situations that she felt were unacceptable or uncomfortable. The discomfort she felt was never greater than the discomfort she feared she would experience if she had a conflict with another person. This fear had even extended to her relationship with Vincent. Elizabeth remembered so many times in the beginning of her relationship when Vincent had asked her what she wanted to do and she would say "You decide." Sometimes she said that because she didn't have strong feelings about a subject or a proposal Vincent presented. Other times, however, she did care but didn't want to risk having any type of heated discussion about the subject. Fortunately, her relationship with Vincent had changed and grown in such a way that she was able to say exactly what she did and did not want.

While contemplating her friendships and relationships, Elizabeth saw clearly that she had never been a real friend to herself. She rarely approved of herself or expressed self-appreciation for her gifts, skills, and talents. She believed others' opinions were more valid and wise than hers. At times, she saw herself as less deserving and somehow unworthy of respect. Even her friend Paige had pointed out how hard Elizabeth was on herself, how hypercritical, and how she downplayed her efforts and successes. But in Elizabeth's mind, successes were only successes if others saw them and acknowledged them. 

Elizabeth knew that she had been playing this record of unworthiness and depreciation for a very long time. She wasn't quite sure how to get rid of the record or how she could stop being her own worst enemy. She knew that the time had come for her to stop looking to others to determine how she felt, what she thought, and what actions she wanted to take in her life. She needed to take stock of her own resources, embrace them, and use them to live the life she had been given. Her reluctance to see herself as worthy was a good place to start. 

An analogy of sorts entered Elizabeth's thoughts. She saw her friendships as a batter trying to hit home runs in a baseball game. Often, he hits a ball far enough to be a home run but it goes foul. The misdirection indicates to the batter that he needs to adjust his stance, the way he is holding the bat, his timing, or his swing. Elizabeth's friendships that seemed to go foul were telling her to adjust the perceptions she had about herself. If she didn't change what she had been doing for all these years, she couldn't expect her friendships or relationships to change. The key to everything was staring her in the face and it was she herself. 

Elizabeth sat silently, allowing her mind to wander. What one change could she make that would start the transformation of this repetitive relationship cycle she had lived for so long? Was it even possible to find a way out? She struggled with that question. Change always seemed so difficult for her to embrace. She had to weigh the fear of staying in the cycle (that she knew) against the fear of changing (what she didn't know). 

Her thoughts turned again to her family and their Thanksgiving celebration. She hoped they were having a peaceful time of feasting. She thought ahead to December and the holidays and the cold and snowy days of winter still to come. What would this winter bring? What lessons would she learn and what insights would she gather while she journeyed through the darkest part of the year? Would she discover how to make magic more evident, a larger part flowing through her life? 

She glanced at the clock. Vincent would be home from work in a few hours. A quietness had settled upon her and she permitted herself to relax into it. She decided to close her eyes for just a moment and then gently drifted off to sleep. 

Copyright © 2011-2012 by Vicky Lynn Macchione.
All Rights Reserved.
No reproduction of this text is allowed without the written permission of the author.

Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 1)

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction.  The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

Read Chapter 1       Previous Chapter       Next Chapter

Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 1)

The last Thursday in November had dawned clear. Elizabeth remembered that it was American Thanksgiving, one of the two holidays she missed most living in Vincent's country (the other being Fourth of July). As was her custom each year, she settled herself in her most comfortable chair and called her daughters to hear their plans for the holiday. Her younger daughter, who always enjoyed making dinner for the family, was already preparing the turkey. In addition to celebrating with the family, both of her daughters had invited some of their friends to partake in the annual feast. As Elizabeth hung up the phone, she started thinking about friends who for one reason or another had been important or influential in her life. What was most interesting is that important or influential didn't mean that the friendships were long lasting or even encouraging. Many of her friendships had ended with one or both parties deciding to go their separate ways.

The first friendship Elizabeth considered was the one that had recently ended. She had been friends with Marilyn for more than 12 years. They had met at the company where they both worked. Marilyn had worked for the Silicon Valley company for several years and had attained an influential position. Elizabeth had been hired as an editor/writer for the software documentation division. She had also been asked by her manager to take on the additional responsibility of maintaining the ordering system. Because of her efficiency, she got noticed by one of the company's vice presidents and by Marilyn. Marilyn's efforts on Elizabeth's behalf had resulted in salary increases. A year or so later, when Marilyn was having some serious health issues related to a problem with the building's air quality, Elizabeth had reciprocated by writing a letter for Marilyn. Their time at the company fostered a friendship that extended outside of work hours.

As the friendship grew, Elizabeth remembered the two of them having long conversations about spirituality, life experiences, and healing modalities. Marilyn had been trained in a healing method similar to Reiki, and Elizabeth went regularly to Marilyn's home for sessions. Elizabeth saw Marilyn as a kind of spiritual mother, who had introduced her to different spiritual aspects and alternative ideas she hadn't explored in Christianity.

Marilyn eventually left the company and moved to the East Coast. Elizabeth and Marilyn had occasional contact by way of email. But when Elizabeth moved to the East coast of Vincent's country, the two women were once again reconnected.

As she considered her friendship with Marilyn, Elizabeth realized that connecting, losing contact, and reconnecting had occurred several times during the course of their friendship. She also saw that she was often the person pursuing the relationship. About a year ago, Elizabeth had a vision of herself being coaxed back into a friendship with Marilyn and saw that the situation was very like a moth being drawn ever closer to a flame. Even though she knew the friendship was not always healthy for her, she would reconnect with Marilyn again and again.

This repetitive cycle was broken during the summer just past when Marilyn decided that their "sacred contract" had ended. In her email, Marilyn had listed a whole host of reasons why she was declaring the end of the friendship. In the past several years, Elizabeth had issued the same declaration at least twice because of different situations that had come up with Marilyn. Ironically, what had attracted Elizabeth to Marilyn all those years ago was her candid observations and frankness. During the summer when she had visited Marilyn, Elizabeth realized that she didn't need someone else to give her observations about her life: she needed to observe her life herself. She needed to be frank and candid with herself. She needed to depend on herself for support and encouragement. The email from Marilyn along with Elizabeth's own discoveries and experiences had caused her to conclude that she and Marilyn had outgrown each other. The words from “Sweet Darkness,” a poem by David Whyte, summed up how she felt: “. . . anything or anyone / that does not bring you alive / is too small for you.” 

Despite her understanding of this friendship's life cycle, Elizabeth was still struggling to accept the emotions she felt. She had moments where she felt that Marilyn was unfair in her assessment of the situation between them. Then, Elizabeth would realize that she was playing the victim, something she was trying to grow beyond. She knew her biggest discomfort came from ego. Elizabeth would often wonder how Marilyn could just let go of her as a friend, especially since Elizabeth had helped her and encouraged her as Marilyn developed and fashioned her own healing modality. While Elizabeth could see ego's influence in this thought, the feelings still would come up for her.

She had experienced this same discomfort with other friends as well. Recently, she had an experience with her friend Paige who felt comfortable telling Elizabeth that she talked too much about her ex-husband. Paige believed Elizabeth felt guilty about her divorce and tried to soothe those feelings by talking about him. At the time, Elizabeth just let the statement hang in the air and did not try to defend or explain herself. But later, she had come up with various reasons why Paige's comment was inappropriate and without merit. When looking back, Elizabeth knew that although she was somewhat angry with her friend, she was mostly angry with herself. She hated that she hesitated to speak her own mind. She wished she had let her friend know that her opinion was just that, her opinion, which Elizabeth had not asked her to share.

Elizabeth noticed that she was often the recipient of other people's opinions. She remembered one time several years ago when she and Vincent had met up with another couple, Vincent's friend and his girlfriend. The two women, who had never met before, began to converse with each other. Elizabeth had described how she had come to be in Vincent's country, explaining how her mother had left her some money that she was using to live there. The woman looked at Elizabeth and said, "So you are squandering your mother's money." Elizabeth felt shocked by the comment. In the other woman's defense, she did retract her use of the word "squandering." But to this day, Elizabeth did not understand why the woman would have said that to a person she had just met. 

This kind of experience happened to Elizabeth regularly, which she found quite amazing since she was always so careful to never offend anyone, at least not intentionally. Rarely did she speak out about what she was feeling or thinking if she believed those feelings or thoughts would offend the other person. Occasionally, when she made the effort to share her strong opinions, the results had not be very successful. Usually, when she decided to make her feelings known, she later had to apologize for hurting the other person.

Elizabeth knew that “walking on eggshells” with others came from her belief in extreme tactfulness, which not only kept her fear of conflict in check but also helped her in her quest for everyone's approval. When Elizabeth was young, she could be rather sarcastic and quite forceful when expressing her opinions, which would often offend her friends and her sibling, creating conflicts in her life. Her mother encouraged her to be more tactful when she was speaking to others by presenting her ideas or opinions or feelings in a way that was more palatable to the other person. Elizabeth trusted her mother and took the advice to heart but to the extreme. She became so tactful when sharing her thoughts, opinions, and feelings that a friend once told her, "You sugarcoat the truth so much, a person can't figure out what you are trying to say." What Elizabeth found consistently confusing was that she was more attracted to people who spoke frankly and candidly than those who were the most tactful! Now that truth needed some contemplation.

(Read Part 2 of “Friendship Fouls” on Thursday.)

NOTE:  Read David Whyte's poem "Sweet Darkness."

Copyright © 2011-2012 by Vicky Lynn Macchione.
All Rights Reserved.
No reproduction of this text is allowed without the written permission of the author.