Blue Heron Visions: Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 2)

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction. The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

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Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 2)

Elizabeth could not remember a time when she wasn't seeking someone else's approval, including friends, family, teachers, just about anyone that crossed her path. One of her earliest memories happened when she was four or five years old. She was visiting her grandparents during the summer. Elizabeth would sometimes play with a girl who lived across the street. Patty was three or four years older than Elizabeth and would tempt and prod Elizabeth to do things that she wasn't supposed to do. Patty would say that she wouldn't be Elizabeth's friend if she didn't go to the wood shed with her or cross the street alone. Elizabeth really wanted Patty to like her and pay attention to her, so she would succumb to the temptation. Of course, being Elizabeth, she usually got caught.

Looking back, Elizabeth wondered why she didn't have the strength in her young self to decide what she wanted to do and to refuse to be bullied or cajoled by the promise of friendship. Elizabeth had wanted Patty's friendship so much she couldn't see that Patty was fickle and her friendship was based on a whim that changed on any given day. Of course, that made complete sense. Why would an eight- or nine-year-old want to be forced to play with a four- or five-year-old?

Elizabeth realized that she had spent more than half her life seeking the approval of others. She excelled in school because one of her teachers had decided not to promote her to the accelerated class with many of her friends. Mrs. Struthers, the fourth-grade teacher, had not approved of Elizabeth's inquisitive personal questions (obviously the tactfulness hadn't taken hold yet), which Elizabeth believed was the reason for the teacher assigning her to the "normal" fifth-grade class. During that fifth-grade year, Elizabeth went from being a good student to being an excellent student, who pushed herself to be the best in her class. She showed them (whoever “them” was), and the next year she was promoted into the accelerated class where she won the approval of all the fifth- and sixth-grade teachers. (Of course, she didn't get the approval of Mrs. Struthers, but at least she got the attention and approval she so wanted from all the other teachers!) And she continued to win the approval of almost all of her teachers throughout her years in school.

Winning the attention and approval of friends and family, though, was a different story. Elizabeth worked hard to make people like her and at times she succeeded. But as she grew older, she realized that trying to adjust yourself to make yourself likeable usually backfired. Eventually, there would be a conflict between what the other person expected of her and the degree to which Elizabeth could abandon her loyalty to herself and her feelings. At some point, she would get offended because the person didn't appreciate her in the way she wanted and she would feel betrayed. In time, she learned that the only betrayal occurring was self-betrayal. But even that realization didn't stop her search for adulation and appreciation, which always resulted in the repeated cycle of her friendships: delight, disillusionment, disappointment, and distancing from or dissolution of the friendship.

Elizabeth saw this pattern in other relationships, too. She saw it in relation to the way she viewed her art and her writing. She would give away her time, her art, and her skills without charge, expecting that the expected approval and appreciation would be all the payment she would need. Then, she would be upset when the compliments or gratitude she received did not satisfy her expectations, and she would grumble and complain to Vincent, feeling mistreated because she didn't get paid for her efforts.

Because of her fear of conflict, Elizabeth would rarely discuss her feelings about situations that she felt were unacceptable or uncomfortable. The discomfort she felt was never greater than the discomfort she feared she would experience if she had a conflict with another person. This fear had even extended to her relationship with Vincent. Elizabeth remembered so many times in the beginning of her relationship when Vincent had asked her what she wanted to do and she would say "You decide." Sometimes she said that because she didn't have strong feelings about a subject or a proposal Vincent presented. Other times, however, she did care but didn't want to risk having any type of heated discussion about the subject. Fortunately, her relationship with Vincent had changed and grown in such a way that she was able to say exactly what she did and did not want.

While contemplating her friendships and relationships, Elizabeth saw clearly that she had never been a real friend to herself. She rarely approved of herself or expressed self-appreciation for her gifts, skills, and talents. She believed others' opinions were more valid and wise than hers. At times, she saw herself as less deserving and somehow unworthy of respect. Even her friend Paige had pointed out how hard Elizabeth was on herself, how hypercritical, and how she downplayed her efforts and successes. But in Elizabeth's mind, successes were only successes if others saw them and acknowledged them.

Elizabeth knew that she had been playing this record of unworthiness and depreciation for a very long time. She wasn't quite sure how to get rid of the record or how she could stop being her own worst enemy. She knew that the time had come for her to stop looking to others to determine how she felt, what she thought, and what actions she wanted to take in her life. She needed to take stock of her own resources, embrace them, and use them to live the life she had been given. Her reluctance to see herself as worthy was a good place to start.

An analogy of sorts entered Elizabeth's thoughts. She saw her friendships as a batter trying to hit home runs in a baseball game. Often, he hits a ball far enough to be a home run but it goes foul. The misdirection indicates to the batter that he needs to adjust his stance, the way he is holding the bat, his timing, or his swing. Elizabeth's friendships that seemed to go foul were telling her to adjust the perceptions she had about herself. If she didn't change what she had been doing for all these years, she couldn't expect her friendships or relationships to change. The key to everything was staring her in the face and it was she herself.

Elizabeth sat silently, allowing her mind to wander. What one change could she make that would start the transformation of this repetitive relationship cycle she had lived for so long? Was it even possible to find a way out? She struggled with that question. Change always seemed so difficult for her to embrace. She had to weigh the fear of staying in the cycle (that she knew) against the fear of changing (what she didn't know).

Her thoughts turned again to her family and their Thanksgiving celebration. She hoped they were having a peaceful time of feasting. She thought ahead to December and the holidays and the cold and snowy days of winter still to come. What would this winter bring? What lessons would she learn and what insights would she gather while she journeyed through the darkest part of the year? Would she discover how to make magic more evident, a larger part flowing through her life?

She glanced at the clock. Vincent would be home from work in a few hours. A quietness had settled upon her and she permitted herself to relax into it. She decided to close her eyes for just a moment and then gently drifted off to sleep.