Blue Heron Visions: approval

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction. The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

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Chapter 7: Friendship Fouls (Part 1)

The last Thursday in November had dawned clear. Elizabeth remembered that it was American Thanksgiving, one of the two holidays she missed most living in Vincent's country (the other being Fourth of July). As was her custom each year, she settled herself in her most comfortable chair and called her daughters to hear their plans for the holiday. Her younger daughter, who always enjoyed making dinner for the family, was already preparing the turkey. In addition to celebrating with the family, both of her daughters had invited some of their friends to partake in the annual feast. As Elizabeth hung up the phone, she started thinking about friends who for one reason or another had been important or influential in her life. What was most interesting is that important or influential didn't mean that the friendships were long lasting or even encouraging. Many of her friendships had ended with one or both parties deciding to go their separate ways.

The first friendship Elizabeth considered was the one that had recently ended. She had been friends with Marilyn for more than 12 years. They had met at the company where they both worked. Marilyn had worked for the Silicon Valley company for several years and had attained an influential position. Elizabeth had been hired as an editor/writer for the software documentation division. She had also been asked by her manager to take on the additional responsibility of maintaining the ordering system. Because of her efficiency, she got noticed by one of the company's vice presidents and by Marilyn. Marilyn's efforts on Elizabeth's behalf had resulted in salary increases. A year or so later, when Marilyn was having some serious health issues related to a problem with the building's air quality, Elizabeth had reciprocated by writing a letter for Marilyn. Their time at the company fostered a friendship that extended outside of work hours.

As the friendship grew, Elizabeth remembered the two of them having long conversations about spirituality, life experiences, and healing modalities. Marilyn had been trained in a healing method similar to Reiki, and Elizabeth went regularly to Marilyn's home for sessions. Elizabeth saw Marilyn as a kind of spiritual mother, who had introduced her to different spiritual aspects and alternative ideas she hadn't explored in Christianity.

Marilyn eventually left the company and moved to the East Coast. Elizabeth and Marilyn had occasional contact by way of email. But when Elizabeth moved to the East coast of Vincent's country, the two women were once again reconnected.

As she considered her friendship with Marilyn, Elizabeth realized that connecting, losing contact, and reconnecting had occurred several times during the course of their friendship. She also saw that she was often the person pursuing the relationship. About a year ago, Elizabeth had a vision of herself being coaxed back into a friendship with Marilyn and saw that the situation was very like a moth being drawn ever closer to a flame. Even though she knew the friendship was not always healthy for her, she would reconnect with Marilyn again and again.

This repetitive cycle was broken during the summer just past when Marilyn decided that their "sacred contract" had ended. In her email, Marilyn had listed a whole host of reasons why she was declaring the end of the friendship. In the past several years, Elizabeth had issued the same declaration at least twice because of different situations that had come up with Marilyn. Ironically, what had attracted Elizabeth to Marilyn all those years ago was her candid observations and frankness. During the summer when she had visited Marilyn, Elizabeth realized that she didn't need someone else to give her observations about her life: she needed to observe her life herself. She needed to be frank and candid with herself. She needed to depend on herself for support and encouragement. The email from Marilyn along with Elizabeth's own discoveries and experiences had caused her to conclude that she and Marilyn had outgrown each other. The words from “Sweet Darkness,” a poem by David Whyte, summed up how she felt: “. . . anything or anyone / that does not bring you alive / is too small for you.”

Despite her understanding of this friendship's life cycle, Elizabeth was still struggling to accept the emotions she felt. She had moments where she felt that Marilyn was unfair in her assessment of the situation between them. Then, Elizabeth would realize that she was playing the victim, something she was trying to grow beyond. She knew her biggest discomfort came from ego. Elizabeth would often wonder how Marilyn could just let go of her as a friend, especially since Elizabeth had helped her and encouraged her as Marilyn developed and fashioned her own healing modality. While Elizabeth could see ego's influence in this thought, the feelings still would come up for her.

She had experienced this same discomfort with other friends as well. Recently, she had an experience with her friend Paige who felt comfortable telling Elizabeth that she talked too much about her ex-husband. Paige believed Elizabeth felt guilty about her divorce and tried to soothe those feelings by talking about him. At the time, Elizabeth just let the statement hang in the air and did not try to defend or explain herself. But later, she had come up with various reasons why Paige's comment was inappropriate and without merit. When looking back, Elizabeth knew that although she was somewhat angry with her friend, she was mostly angry with herself. She hated that she hesitated to speak her own mind. She wished she had let her friend know that her opinion was just that, her opinion, which Elizabeth had not asked her to share.

Elizabeth noticed that she was often the recipient of other people's opinions. She remembered one time several years ago when she and Vincent had met up with another couple, Vincent's friend and his girlfriend. The two women, who had never met before, began to converse with each other. Elizabeth had described how she had come to be in Vincent's country, explaining how her mother had left her some money that she was using to live there. The woman looked at Elizabeth and said, "So you are squandering your mother's money." Elizabeth felt shocked by the comment. In the other woman's defense, she did retract her use of the word "squandering." But to this day, Elizabeth did not understand why the woman would have said that to a person she had just met.

This kind of experience happened to Elizabeth regularly, which she found quite amazing since she was always so careful to never offend anyone, at least not intentionally. Rarely did she speak out about what she was feeling or thinking if she believed those feelings or thoughts would offend the other person. Occasionally, when she made the effort to share her strong opinions, the results had not be very successful. Usually, when she decided to make her feelings known, she later had to apologize for hurting the other person.

Elizabeth knew that “walking on eggshells” with others came from her belief in extreme tactfulness, which not only kept her fear of conflict in check but also helped her in her quest for everyone's approval. When Elizabeth was young, she could be rather sarcastic and quite forceful when expressing her opinions, which would often offend her friends and her sibling, creating conflicts in her life. Her mother encouraged her to be more tactful when she was speaking to others by presenting her ideas or opinions or feelings in a way that was more palatable to the other person. Elizabeth trusted her mother and took the advice to heart but to the extreme. She became so tactful when sharing her thoughts, opinions, and feelings that a friend once told her, "You sugarcoat the truth so much, a person can't figure out what you are trying to say." What Elizabeth found consistently confusing was that she was more attracted to people who spoke frankly and candidly than those who were the most tactful! Now that truth needed some contemplation.

(Read Part 2 of “Friendship Fouls” on Thursday.)

NOTE: Read David Whyte's poem "Sweet Darkness."