Blue Heron Visions: Chapter 17: Art Circles, Revisited

This manuscript is both a memoir of sorts and a work of fiction. The stories and events included are based on my life experiences and memories but I have changed names, details, event sequences, and outcomes throughout the work.

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Chapter 17: Art Circles, Revisited

January was winding down, although the snowy weather and frigid temperatures were still going strong. Elizabeth could hear a whistling wind blowing outside as she opened her eyes. She sighed. Despite the fact that she had lived in this climate for more than a decade, she still struggled during the long winters because of the lack of sun. She recalled her first winter when she would go outside any time there was a sunny day, standing on the balcony in the freezing cold, just to absorb the sunlight. But such was life when you move from a temperate climate to a place that had four seasons, one of which offered days and days of bone-chilling weather filled with snow and ice.

Elizabeth had decided to make her daily mandala as her first task of the day, so she got up and prepared her breakfast to take with her to the computer. On so many other days, she waited to post on her art blog until late in the evening. She thought it might be productive to shake up her routine.

As Elizabeth began the process of creating the mandala, her attention wandered to all the art that hung in the room she and Vincent called "The Computer Room." (In most apartments, the room would be assigned the living room label but her art supplies, work tables, and their computers took more space than their living room furniture. So they had decided to put the living room in what would be the extra bedroom and spread themselves out in the larger room.) Evidence of her art exploration hung on the walls, although the only collage was her vision board from three years ago. She hadn't made another since then because she felt there were still items that needed to be fulfilled in her life. She also didn't have her photo mandalas hung but she had a whole blog dedicated to that art, at least for this year. Her web site also displayed a large selection of her photo mandalas.

Since creating a photo mandala was simple and repetitive, Elizabeth's thoughts quickly wandered to her ongoing quest for the perfect art form. She could hear Stacy's voice reminding her that whatever she saw happening in her life was simply a mirror showing her what conditions existed within. Yes, she could see that she had been on a quest, searching for the perfect Elizabeth, the one who would be valuable and special to others and to herself. But knowing that her art search mirrored her "Self" search didn't solve the problem of what to do about her art or how to make money with it.

Having finished the mandala, Elizabeth began the hunt for a quotation to accompany it. (She had set the goal last October to put a mandala and a quote every day for a year on this blog.) As she perused through her quotation file (a document that now had over 80 pages of quotes that she had been collecting for years) she came across a Rumi quote she loved. "You wander from room to room./ Hunting for the diamond necklace./ That is already around your neck!" The quote stood out to her, especially given her recent preoccupation with finding "her" art. She sighed as she considered each line of the quote. Of course, she understood the wandering from room to room. Each new kind of art she tried was like a new room that she flitted into only to discover that what she was seeking wasn't there. But what represented the diamond necklace in her life? On the face of it, she would guess that it was her desire for some unique art that would bring fulfillment and recognition to her. Diamonds are valuable and that's what she wanted her art to be. But she knew there must be a deeper meaning, one that could set her free from the search, made obvious by the quotation's last phrase, "That is already around your neck!" What was this valuable art she already possessed? Her thoughts kept going back to collage, which she felt caused the whole searching process in the first place! Elizabeth felt frustrated.

Of course, Elizabeth knew she was using the quote to focus on her art only. She was hoping that by doing so she would discover what had eluded her throughout the exploration process. But she knew that the quotation was about embracing the idea that she already was and already had everything she desired; she just hadn't realized that what she desired already existed within her. "At least, that is the correct metaphysical answer," Elizabeth thought somewhat gloomily. She sighed again. Feeling her growing dissatisfaction with her search and herself, Elizabeth returned to the task at hand by posting the mandala and quote on her blog. She always felt a sense of relief when she was done for another day.

But despite Elizabeth's best efforts, her thoughts continued to circle around the quotation and its significance in her life. She wondered, “If I truly viewed myself as valuable as diamonds (and, of course, people are infinitely more valuable than mere diamonds), would I still be struggling with my art?” Considering a question like that showed the relevance of Stacy's mirror technique. Why would anyone consider Elizabeth's art valuable if she didn't see it that way? And every time her art was passed over or ignored, wasn't Life/God/the Universe, maybe even magic itself, using the situation to show her what she really was thinking?

Elizabeth made an effort to look at the art question honestly. She had always loved making collages. Time would fly by quickly, and even when challenges arose during the creation process, somehow she would be inspired in solving them. The people for whom she had made collages had given positive comments about the art. They usually felt that there was a message in the collage for them. Elizabeth had also received messages for herself while creating those collages. The enjoyment disappeared when she was worried about copyright issues around the images she chose and when she decided she wanted to reproduce her collages to create cards she could sell. She just couldn't shake the fear that someone would bring a lawsuit, ruining her life (actually her livelihood) and causing money problems for Vincent and her. Then, when she had tried to sell some of her printed collage cards and hadn't had much success, Elizabeth thought she had received a sign from the Universe.

Vincent, had always liked her collages and believed that she should have continued creating them. Elizabeth appreciated his support but would constantly argue with him about the copyright issue. She would use her former position as an editor to make her case. In that job, part of her responsibility was to ensure that all trademarks used in the documentation were noted and indicated correctly. She extended that watchdog attitude to her art. She never wanted to violate someone's copyright nor have hers violated. The more she worried about the copyright issue, the more she became aware of admonitions and ambiguities regarding copyrights for collage artists. She had allowed this issue to sabotage her art and force her to look at her collages with an even more critical eye.

Elizabeth's new analytical focus caused her to doubt the originality of her work. She believed that since she chose parts of other people's artwork to use in her art, that she was not creating something new but something rehashed. Even though the collage created might not have the remotest relationship with the theme of an image she had chosen, she still felt that she was unoriginal, just some kind of copycat. “How hard I am on myself and my art!” Elizabeth thought. She realized that her worries and her harsh critiques had robbed her of the joy she used to feel when she made collages.

Looking back at all that had transpired in regard to her art, Elizabeth was aware that she had shown a distinct lack of trust in the Universe/God/Source/Life. With her actions, she seemed to illustrate her belief that the Universe had gifted her with a talent to create collages only to throw up a roadblock (the copyright issue) to ensure that she couldn't use her talent to bring joy to others or to create a living for herself. Elizabeth knew she attributed a fickleness and unfairness to Life and to people. At times, she entertained the idea that Life/God/the Universe was out to get her and was just waiting for her to let her guard down. Elizabeth shook her head as she saw these beliefs surface in her thinking. (Vincent had a completely different point of view: He believed that Life was on his side, always ready to help him succeed.) Elizabeth knew that her view restricted her happiness and kept her from embracing each day with optimism and positive expectations.

As Elizabeth considered her attitude and beliefs, she wondered who had actually stopped her from creating collages. The obvious answer was she, herself. No one had ever sued her or even threatened to do so. She was chagrined to admit that nothing, other than her own fears, had stood in her way. She realized, too, that this pattern of self sabotage had occurred repeatedly in her life, keeping her from attempting certain paths.

Interestingly, Elizabeth had been feeling an urge to go back to creating collages. Perhaps that's why her thoughts kept returning to collage making when she was considering the Rumi quote. After all the art “circles” (i.e., mandalas) that she had created in the last few years, maybe she was finally coming full circle herself and finding that the art to be valued existed, as it always had, exactly where she was. Could that be where she would find magic as well?

“I'll have to consider that idea again some time,” Elizabeth thought to herself, as she realized she was once again caught up in her thoughts and the day was going on without her. She quickly rose from the computer chair to face yet another day.